


Desiderium

by StrayLostSoul



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bang Chan Needs A Hug, Cats, Dramatic Hwang Hyunjin, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm posting this after an allnighter, It's really up to you, Lee Minho loves his cats, M/M, Minho and Jeongin are Cute Together and People Need to See This, Multi, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Lee Minho | Lee Know, Sad Yang Jeongin | I.N, Snowball Fight, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), This can be seen as platonic or romantic, UNO, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, felix is a cuddle bug, hahaha fun, protective minchan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29026587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrayLostSoul/pseuds/StrayLostSoul
Summary: Desiderium(n.) an ardent desire or longing, particularly for something once had; grief or regret for the absence of loss of something or someone.No matter how bad things got, they always stayed together. Eight or none... None. Even when someone got lost, even when they fought, where there were miscommunications they somehow managed to get through all of that. But they might not be able to do that anymore.Story inspired by the song 'Little Talks' by Of Monsters And Men
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Seo Changbin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Stray Kids Ensemble/Everyone, Stray Kids Ensemble/Stray Kids Ensemble, Yang Jeongin | I.N & Everyone, Yang Jeongin | I.N/Stray Kids Ensemble
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Desiderium

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on AO3 so I hope you enjoy. I based this story on the song Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. I felt really nostalgic when I heard the song and I got inspired I guess? Positive feedback is greatly appreciated.

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

They didn't even notice when snow started to fall.

They were all gathered around the fireplace as it was their only source of warmth in this house. "I hate walking around this cold and empty house". Minho looked at Felix in sympathy. He understood what the boy was feeling. Their home changed greatly. Unfortunately this change wasn't a good one. The house is a ghost of what it once was. The atmosphere was nearly suffocating "Yen-ah give me your hand". Jeongin tried getting away but Felix was faster. He grabbed the younger's hand and locked him in his arms. "I miss you". Jeongin didn't even try to struggle. He just lay there silently, watching the others. Felix carded his fingers through the younger boys locks as he watched the Jeongin pet Soonie. Minho chuckled to himself as he saw his cat having a soft spot for the youngest. He himself was petting Doongie and Dori but seeing their youngest petting Soonie made him feel a certain way. It made him feel at warm and soft to a certain extent; not that Minho would ever admit to it. It was a subtle domestic sight the older would never get tired of.

Suddenly Hyunjin and Jisung burst into the living room smothering each other with pillows. "I can't believe you've done this. I feel so betrayed right now". Chan stared at the duo sighing deeply. A headache ripped through him. This was not gonna end peacefully. "Hyung, he is mad at me for placing a plus four card and winning". Jisung shook his head while Hyunjin continued to hit him with his pillow repetitively. "I can't believe you hurt me like this!" Jisung started hitting him back almost immediately. "It was a stupid game of UNO!" Chan looked at the pair and rubbed his temples. The two boys were two dramatic at this hour. it was nearing midnight and somehow both of the boys were able to keep up their boisterous actions after an exhausting day. He will never manage to wrap his head around how the two of them managed to become friends. They are all glad they did as the two boys liven up the atmosphere more then they realise. 

Seungmin and Changbin chuckled softly as they diverted their attention to the pair. "You two are too dramatic for your own good". Seungmin laughed at Changbin's statement. He shook his head lightly as he continued reading his book. He didn't have the will or energy to get involved in whatever chaos was about to arise. He hoped that reading might cut him off from the real world for a while. There was a lot going on and he longed for a break. They all needed one; especially now. Just a brief escape to a better mindset; a safe headspace.

What seemed like the usual bickering between the two boys escalated rapidly. One moment the two were playfully rough-housing, however the moment Jisung threw the pillow things took a violent turn. Changbin got hit in the face and a few seconds later all of the boys were stuck in the middle of the largest pillow fight they have had yet. Jeongin just lounged at the side and took a few pictures before the poor boy got dragged into it. Blow after blow. Laugh after laugh; all of the boys fell to the ground. Adrenaline, cortisol and serotonin buzzing through their veins. It was like a drug. A flaming mixture of the three chemicals was to die for. It fills you up eith a certain giddiness; one that tickles you abdomen while your eyes tear up from laughter. 

They all smiled softly to themselves at the sight in front of them. Brown, hooded eyes, happy tears, soft smile, disheveled hair, bruises.. No... Stop.. Hyunjin and Felix threw themselves on top of the younger boy. Felix buried his nose in the boy's hoodie, closed his eyes trying to grasp his fading scent. Coffee, vanilla and cologne. It's not tainted. No this is him. He is here. With them. Happy and smiling. Hyunjin was gripping onto the boys side as he tried to level out his breathing.

"Cuddle pile!" Everyone launched themselves at the trio on the ground. Just like before. They were laughing and screaming; one on top of another. This is what Jeongin would define as torture. He was squished underneath seven other bodies tickling and hugging him. But everything has an end even though we wish they didn't. The boys passed out, exhausted from the whole day. However this exhaustion was physical. No; not at all. They were exhausted both mentally and emotionally.

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

Chan woke up to the sound of creaking footsteps. He looked around the boys only to find Minho missing. He carefully slid out of Changbin's and Jisung's grasp and followed the sound. The halls of the house were cold and empty. They were the complete opposite of what there once were; lively, boisterous and full. He heard the noise coming from upstairs. He hated this change. It killed them all. He tried his best to silently walk up the stairs but the stairs creaked. He was worried that they would wake up the other boys. If he was being completely honest, he knew that that would be the last thing the other boys need at the moment. He was being silent our of sheer desperation than anything else.

He continued to follow the noise only to find the balcony door open, wind whistling gently through the crack. Minho was leaning against the balcony's railing. He could see the younger clutch onto a bunch of polaroids. The power of a picture is to convey truth in a moment, to talk with the soul so personally, in a way that volumes of words cannot. His other hand clutched onto the railing, his knuckles white from the tension. He joined the boy silently, letting the cold winter air take over his body. Snow covered the landscape before them like a blanket covering a child. Softly and Protectively. Chan softly rubbed Minho's hand that was gripping the railing, intertwined their hands together as he looked at the polaroids. He squeezed Minho's hand slightly. There wasn't a lot of strength in it but it was strong enough to give the boy something to focus on. He peaked at the photos. The first three had the seven of them battering each other with pillows and the fourth one was of Jeongin, absolutely wrecked from the pillow fight.

"It's keeping me awake."

The pictures were a time machine. One glance and they was back in high school with his life stretched before him, all the decisions that lay between their present selves and their past selves were unmapped, anything was possible. But not every memory is a pleasant one. Those painful memories are books with chapters, deep and horrible; and so people leave them on the shelf to gather dust. They can pick them up if they need to learn something, to gain a perspective that helps them to create their own good story. The boys can use them to re-see situations through the lens of his needs and traumas rather than theirs. They want today, tomorrow and every tomorrow after to be wonderful; they want to choose what to write on those blank pages. Control over their faith, their destiny, their karma; whatever you want to name it.

Minho knew that life is bitter. Life is a cruel series of unfortunate events we somehow manage to survive until we run out of luck. Once that happens, the next unfortunate event ends us. Jeongin was well aware of how miserable things can get sometimes, of how life will kick your ass. He was well aware that time was a thief taking away everything he once loved. They all were. Yet Jeongin had a peculiar way of noting it. Deep within his albums were photos stained sepia; a colour of the past. Those photo's used to represent them at their lowest. But now, they are nothing but a motivation to work harder.

"This must be a dream. This can't be real".

They didn't need to say anything else as a knowing silence fell upon the two. The pictures filled them with a strange sort of nostalgia. Albeit, it wasn't the feeling that brought them a sense of comfort and warmth. Why have nostalgia if it does not infect you with happiness? They found that this nostalgic feeling was both a parachute and an elevator. It brought them a sense of comfort, yet it tugged at their heart strings. It was a silent cry for help from their hearts. 

How long can you go on? Chan was coping, but Minho? He was bottling everything up. Those tears building up behind the dam in his eyes were gonna fall eventually and when they do, it will be painful. Every container has a limit. What happens to a bottle full or water when it freezes? It explodes. What happens if their is too much liquid in a container? It cracks. Slowly but surely the cracks on Minho's minds are starting to expand. His heart is currently like a water bottle filled to the bring. But the question is, what will prompt him to explode? There used to be a way to get any of the boys to unscrew the bottle caps. To let their guard down. But that too has disappeared with him.

"I know it's hard Minho but you should try to fall asleep"

Chan's voice was barely above a whisper but Minho heard in none the less.

"I don't think there's a point"

Chan was about to protest but he was cut off by a streak of light hitting his face. Sunrise came as a golden tunnel to a world of forever-light. The sun blooms on the horizon, golden petals stretching ever outwards into the rich blue. The crisp cold air filled their lungs as they took in their surroundings. Snow is like a blank page. A clean slate. A new beginning. But they didn't want a new beginning. They don't want the future at all. It shook them to their core. The fear of the future, the unknown. They knew they would have to face the harsh truth soon but for now, they wanted to stay here, in this moment.

The serenity of the moment was disrupted by a yelp downstairs. "Hyung stop it!" Jeongin's voice resonated through the house. Oh how they love that sound. "Hyungs save me!" They felt adrenalin kick in as they ran downstairs. Not this time... They found Jeongin being held hostage in Changbin's grasp. "Hyung you are going to kill me. Get off!" Changbin immediately threw himself off the boy, seemingly panicked. The boys started laughing as the boy ran to his room to get changed.

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

They were all very protective of the youngest. This seemingly happy and innocent boy had a youthful spark. This youthful spark allowed him to be happy and smile all the time. It allowed him to see the good in people and find light in the darkest of situations. But even the brightest light can dim down sometimes. Even the brightest and strongest of fires can be put out. On those days he couldn't even dress himself. He wasn't able to move off his bed. His room turned into a mess, he wasn't able to go take a shower or let alone leave the house. It killed them to see their youngest that way.

There was an old voice in his head that would hold him back. They would stop him from talking to the other seven, they'd stop him from being happy. They rid him of his confidence and destroyed whatever self worth he had in himself. That's a result of a series of very unfortunate events. Everyone deals with these things differently. Some people take it out on themselves. They relieve stress by harming themselves physically. Some would follow along quite literally while others destroyed themselves with alcohol and drugs. Others suffered in silence. No physical harm committed. Only mental torment. These people are dead. Drained emotionally and mentally to the degree that breathing is tiring. Even though they are completely different was of dealing with pain, they are both real. Both important no to overlook. That's why needed the reassurance from Jeongin that he would tell him if something was bothering him. Chan would lie if he said that he didn't miss their little talks. It be selfish of him but he didn't care. He needed to have the boy wrapped in his arms during such a time. He was selfish because he loved how Jeongin would come to him when upset. He has always cherished those little moments. They might not have been caused in a pleasant way however they brought butterflies to his stomach. In those simple moments, they would just sit there, talking for hours. About everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes they wouldn't even talk at all. They would just sit there basking in each other's arms.

"Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right"

Their hearts broke when they heard those words. They tried their best to console the boy. He always took care of them so well. The youngest taking care of the older friends. But it wasn't anything strange to them. He has always been very mature for his age. Jisung knew what to say. He always did.

"Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear".

No matter how bad things got, they always stayed together. Eight or none... none. Even when someone got lost, even when they fought, when there were miscommunications , they somehow managed to get through all of that. But they might not be able to do that anymore.

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

The boys all ran outside and threw themselves into the snow. Seungmin and Changbin started complaining that it was cold but that was short lived. When a snowball exploded from the front of Felix's jacket, they knew the fight was on: duck and cover, building a stash, keeping their heads down. Seungmin's woolen gloves pick up snow like they want to become snowballs themselves, frozen crystals dangling from wild loose fibers he'd never normally notice. Already the coldness of the snow has deep chilled everyone's fingers to a point where they no longer wish to bend. But cold or not, a snowball fight is a snowball fight and everyone doesn't give in - ever.

"Snowball fight!" yells Felix, and in that instant Jisung knows he has a whole stack ready to pelt him with. In seconds of the warning the air is thick with snowballs so compacted that several feel solid and icy. The ones from the fresh fallen flakes burst open on impact, showering crystalline fragments that glint in the wintry light. Seconds later Seungmin is behind Chan's old jeep, gloved hands in the snow, frantically making a stockpile to retaliate with. From the lull in the action he knows Chan is doing the same to replenish what he already used. "You're gonna lose, Felix!" he taunts from behind a garden wall.

"Yeah, Seungmin? Wanna bet?" comes the still out of breath voice of Felix. "Game on, sucker! You're going down!"

Soon another icy ball hits the side of the car Seungmin was hiding behind and another whistles through the air just above his hood. There's a stupid grin plastered over Jisung's face as he takes his first snowball and whips his arm back to send it flying towards Chan. Impact. He let out a whoop and the fight intensified. The best thing Minho could do was taunt them into releasing all their missiles and then run out into the open with his ammunition. It works like a charm every time.

A snowball fight in the fading light is how we finish the day. Changbin ducked down behind an old truck and came up with a hastily fashioned weapon sitting in his black woolen glove. He's wearing that same face he has when he's got Hyunjin beat at scrabble, but this is no war of words and Minho would fight dirty - all in the name of "fun" of course. He got snowball fights down to a science when he was a kid, best snowball size, best snowball density, just the right swing in my throwing arm. There's a nagging voice telling Minho to let Changbin win, that it'll be better in the long run, but he just couldn't. Snowball fights are war and wars just got to be won.

Jeongin's laugh resonated through the air as missiles went flying in all directions. That's how they all found themselves covered in snow, lying one on top of another. They knew that soon it would be over, and buried with their past but they were going to make it a day to remember. "Let's make a snowman!"

Hyunjin was so proud of their snowman, standing there in a field of white. His time will come to feed the rivers and streams, but for the moment he enjoys the moonlight, one twig-arm reached upward, the other toward the sow and ice. He's smaller than he was, but you'd never know it. Snow melts that way, right? Gradually like a picture being changed one brush-stroke at a time. Just like everything around him. Nothing will ever be the same.

As they gathered around the fire again they sipped on their hot chocolates while flipping through Jeongin's album. The fireplace upon wintry nights glowed with radiant gold flame. The pictures were a time machine. One glance and they were back to when everything was better. Back to the time they were all free, young and complete. Some of the polaroids had scribbles on them. Dates, place names and tiny messages. The times they used to play outside when they were were young, full of life and full of love. They all felt a sort of emptiness as they stared at the photos. Tears pricked their eyes as they reminisced about the good old times. They tried to find and hold onto anything they had left of it.. Of him...

Chan had his arms wrapped around the fox boy in his lap. They were all swarmed around the pair. Basking in the comfort their youngest was giving them. Holding onto him. His hands, his fingers. He's here. He's with them. Alive. They were so focused on that very moment that they didn't notice tears falling out of the maknae's eyes. 

"I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourselves. I love you guys.."

**_"Don't listen to a word I say"_ **

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

They all shot up with a start. Felix and Jisung turned into a sobbing mess on the floor. 

Screams filled their ears. Their terrified yells, the siren's wails and the young boy's cries. They all sound the same. A painful blur. "He's really gone... The dream.. It felt so real..." Changbin's strained voice cracked slightly as he clutched onto the dream. The truth was varied but they knew one thing for sure. He is in a better place now. They couldn't breathe. The air seemed to be made from glass as every breath felt like their esophagus's where slid open. Hyunjin went outside in attempt to get some fresh air.

While everyone was trying their best to calm themselves down and stomach the events from that day; Minho and Chan just sat their, clutching onto Jeongin's albums. They stared of into the distance as the memories of today flashed before their eyes. 

"All that's left is a ghost of you..." 

Minho's voice was barely above a whisper but all of the boys heard it. His strained voice. His broken heart. It brought back down to earth. It happened and it is over. There was nothing they could do.

They were walking through the city. They just finished their annual Christmas shopping spree. They left the comfort of the café and started heading towards the bus station that would take them to their small house in the suburbs. It all happened so quickly. The boys crossed the street without noticing the youngest stopped to tie his shoe. As they turned around and saw Jeongin walk towards them, time seemed to slow down. Jeongin checked the road and walked towards them with a smile.

Lights blared. Tires squeaked. Brakes burned. The car horn filled the air. Heads turn. Screams filled the air. They ran as fast as they could. But he seemed to be getting further and further away with every step.

_**Crash** _

"Jeongin!"

At the last second, Jeongin jumped. His body hit the hood of the car and the boys screamed. His bones and muscles and joints and organs felt like they were being crumbled and smashed into a tiny box. Jeongin's lungs contracted with such force that he was afraid they would fold into themselves. The world must have kept flickering its figurative light switch because Jeongin's vision kept flashing from bitter darkness to blinding white light. The only sound that filled his ears was the crushing of glass mixed with the distinct crackles of his bones and seven familiar voices. Then suddenly, everything became light. He was flying through the air, his broken body almost limp from the impact that occurred nanoseconds before. Even though the car tried to stop, the speed was too rapid. Too deadly...

The boys ran to the boy as fast as they could. Changbin ran to the driver and Seungmin was on the phone with a 911 operator. They couldn't believe what was happening. It was going away. He started slipping through their fingers. They watched him disappear.

Chan cradled the boy's body as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. They were all terrified. "Please keep your eyes open for me. For us. Jeongin. Baby..."

Jeongin opened his eyes and looked at us. Changbin and Seungmin had joined by that point.

"I don't want you to die.. Please Jeongin we need you to stay with us..."

The boy started coughing and gagging. Blood dripping out of the corner of his lips. The boys were torn apart. Each cough ripped their heart and soul. There was nothing they could do to help. To ease his pain.

" Just let me go... We'll meet again soon"

"Jeongin please.."

"I am sorry.. Please don't blame yourselves... Let go.. Move on..."

He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to tell them how much he loved and appreciated them. How much he cherished them. He wanted to tell them that they were his family. He wanted to tell them that he didn't want to die. He wants to scream and cry. Hold onto Chan and beg him to save him from his death. He couldn't do that though. It would be selfish of him. He wanted to tell each and every one of them how grateful he is for them and for all they had done for him. But he couldn't. He knew he didn't have enough time.

Sirens blared through their ears but Jeongin knew it was too late.

"..I...I love you hyungs.. I always have.. And I always will... "

He looked them all in the eyes as he smiled gently. A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked at all of them. His voice sounded desperate and broken. Like shattered glass.

"Don't give up after I go... I need you to move on... live... Promise me that".

A chorus of 'I promise' filled the air.

The paramedics lifted Jeongin onto the stretcher.

"..I love you guys.. See you later"

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

"We love you too..."

Sobs filled the air as seven pairs of knees came in contact with the snow.

_"We have gathered here in the loving memory of Yang Jeongin. A son, a brother and a friend that was taken away from us too early. Please let him rest in peace"._

Memories from the funeral came flooding in. The casket, the tombstone, Jeongin's mannequin-like state. Everything came tumbling down on top of them. All that's left is a ghost of him.

"Please wait for us."

The boy's hearts were torn and ripped to shreds. They remembered everything in the boy's album. The polaroids, the loving messages. The hidden message 'Please hang around'. They all clutched onto their last memories with Jeongin. Fearing that they would lose them too. 

All they could do is gaze at the tombstone.

_In Loving Memory of_

_Yang Jeongin._

_Son, Grandson and Best Friend._

_Born 08.02.2001_

_Died 17.12.2019_

_May You Rest In Peace_

> The boys' flowers decorated the grave stone. Everyone watched the seven boys with tears in their eyes as they held onto each other and cried. They stayed there pouring their hearts out for hours. They couldn't accept it. They didn't want to accepted. They wanted to protest. they wanted to scream and curse at the world for taking their angel away. No one dared to say anything to the seven grief stricken boys. they deserved their mourning time. 

"Wait for us. We'll hang around. We'll see you when we fall asleep.."

Chan's voice came out no louder than a broken whisper as sobs shook through his body. They were all clutching onto any sort of memories of their fox like friend. His laugh, his smile, his happy tears or even his cute little pout. Anything. They were willing to hold onto anything as long as it was him. This hurt them. It absolutely destroyed them. Hoping that this was all a dream and they would wake up from this nightmare and hug Jeongin. But it wasn't. This was real. There is no changing the past.

Suddenly they were enveloped in warmth. They all looked up to see the burned out candles on Jeongin's grave stand alight. He was here. He was holding them.

_'I will never leave... I will watch you from above'_

They all heard it.

They all felt it.

A small smile grew on each of the boys faces as tears rolled down their faces. They were going to keep their promise but they were not going to forget him. Not now, not ever. They were completely enamoured by grief and pain.

They didn't even notice when snow started to fall.


End file.
